Fighting Depression

Have you ever felt empty inside? That's how I feel when I'm feeling depressed. Ironically though, I do not "feel" anything. A hollow trunk, an empty Russian doll, river without its water. Empty. I did not recognize my triggers until I met my wife. Whenever I fail her or unintentionally hurt her in some way (all of which are accidents), a switch turns and I shut down. Prior to my marriage, I had these moments before. I would lay down on my bed motionless for hours sometimes, not feeling anything. 

My wife too struggles with depression, though hers has been properly diagnosed. She describes her moments as being "numb". Similar to being out in the cold, but not shivering. You know you should go inside and warm up, but you feel disconnected from yourself. 

Marriage for us did not necessarily make us instantaneously happy. Nor did it take away those numbing moments from us. However, it forced us to change. We are committed to each other and staying in a funk is not fair to the other person. When we were single, we could take all the time we wanted wallowing. Now, we cannot do that, because we have responsibility. I cannot leave my wife high and dry, because my love for her forces me to pick myself up off of my feet. I say to myself, "What am I doing? She needs me to be the man she married. She needs her husband."

A study conducted years ago yielded a twist to the cultural attitude about marriage being dry, dull, sexless, and boring. It concludes, "Interestingly when young adults marry, they experience an immediate reduction in depressive symptoms, and higher life satisfaction levels hold true for the married across incomes, ethnic groups and gender". (Stanton & Oooms, 2008)

I have a purpose now. That is what my marriage has brought me. A purpose to love, grow, laugh, and cry. It has given me a responsibility that I am happily obligated to fulfill. It will lead me to greater happiness, and eternal felicity. 

Have I ever felt empty inside? Yes, I have. Inversely, have I ever felt whole before? Yes, I have. When deep water engulfs me, she is my breath of life.

Next weeks topic: Eternal Covenants